Just Another Moment of Failure

I've had a rough two weeks. Everything has been completely self-imposed, and I am really struggling with the fact that I am imperfect. I have never handled letting others down well at all, and if I am honest, I probably never will. I feel like I owe something to those who have invested heavily in my life over the past 10 years, a life that has been full of stupid move, after stupid move, after stupid move.

Worse than that is in the middle of all my stupidity, God decided that it was a good idea to tell me, "Hey, you're going into ministry." 

Fan-freaking-tastic ...

I'm not cut out for this if I am honest, I never have been and I probably never will be. It seems that every "good thing" that I get I screw up. Every time. The past few weeks have been another chapter to file away into my book of stupid mistakes, I've been questioning my call to ministry more than ever, and to make matters worse, the people that have come around me, ya know the ones that I have disappointed? Have given me nothing but grace...

Yeah, that word. Grace.

It blows my mind that other people can look me in the eye, knowing that I've done something that could have ruined me, showed me incredible patience, and are now looking to move forward.

HOW?!?!?!?!?! 

Grace pisses me off sometimes. Not in a bad way, but in how it exposes your imperfection, places it in your face, and makes you befriend it. I. HATE. THAT.

I am thankful for it though, because grace lets me start new. Look folks, here's the deal:

I'm an African-American male in his early to mid-twenties, so statistically speaking, I SHOULDN'T EVEN BE ALIVE! THAT OR AT LEAST IN JAIL. The fact that I am not either of those things is a blessing, and it proves to me that I matter to God. I grew up with others just like me who had the same opportunities I had, and some of them are in jail or dead, and my heart breaks for them. So I am darn thankful that God has put a hedge of protection around me, and is continuing to work through me even to today. Reality check for Bryant: You're not as good as you think you are, so continue to listen to God and lean on/into him.

So, I'm not cut out for ministry, and I probably never will be, but I'm going to do it anyway. Not because I'm stubborn, confused, or have no other alternative. But because more than likely the people who will be reading this believe that I can do it, and God knows that I can do it.

I'm sorry for leaving gaps, I'm sorry for being forgetful, I'm sorry for being late, I'm sorry for speaking out of turn, I'm sorry for lapses in judgement, I'm sorry for lack of patience, and I'm sorry for relapses of stupidity. But, just keep showing my grace.

Even if it gets on my nerves ...